Thursday, July 26, 2012

Janey Godley’s Podcast Episode 106

(Please be aware that this Podcast Contains strong language)

In episode 106 of Janey Godley’s podcast the comedy mother and daughter broadcasters get into the shooting at Aurora and debate gun laws. Ashley explains her feelings about her estranged family on her father’s side.

Janey talks about her picks for the Edinburgh Fringe and gives us some news on homosexual marriage laws in Scotland and Ashley reads from her diary. The trip to Los Angeles was not all fun and games and Ashley’s take on the dynamics of the family lead to hilarity.

Mother and Daughter comedy team get to natter and the world gets to hear it on Janey Godley’s podcasts, expect some bawdy language and home truths, as Janey Godley and Ashley Storrie lead you down the roads less taken in their fantastic weekly podcast. Listen as mother and daughter banter, bait and burst with laughter.

Janey Godley Podcast at: Episode 106

Check out Janey Godley’s Comic Strip

You can check out all our videos on YouTube

Check out Ashley’s 50 Shades of Reality Here

Order “Handstands in the Dark” Paper Back or in EBook

Please rate us or leave a comment on PodOmatic, ITunes or Facebook

You can find all the info regarding Janey’s live shows by just clicking Gigs!

If you would like to support our podcast then please do so by clicking onto Our Donate Page and donate via PayPal.

I hope you enjoy our Podcasts it would be great if you would pass it on, thanks Janey Godley & Ashley Storrie.

Thursday, July 19, 2012

Janey Godley’s Podcast Episode 105

(Please be aware that this Podcast Contains strong language)

In episode 105 of Janey Godley’s podcast the comedy duo get into the criticism of G4S the Olympic security team and parody their theme tune. Janey asks Ashley her opinion on ‘blades’ for Paralympics.

Ashley explains to her mother the legalities of photographing and exposing the public on Twitter as Janey debates her #timandfreya story which went viral last week. Ashley gives us the full list of #50shadesof reality and talks about MC Frontalot.

Mother and Daughter comedy team get to natter and the world gets to hear it on Janey Godley’s podcasts, expect some bawdy language and home truths, as Janey Godley and Ashley Storrie lead you down the roads less taken in their fantastic weekly podcast. Listen as mother and daughter banter, bait and burst with laughter.

Janey Godley Podcast at: Episode 105

Check out Janey Godley’s Comic Strip

You can check out all our videos on YouTube

Check out Ashley’s 50 Shades of Reality Here

Order “Handstands in the Dark” Paper Back or in EBook

Please rate us or leave a comment on PodOmatic, ITunes or Facebook

You can find all the info regarding Janey’s live shows by just clicking Gigs!

If you would like to support our podcast then please do so by clicking onto Our Donate Page and donate via PayPal.

I hope you enjoy our Podcasts it would be great if you would pass it on, thanks Janey Godley & Ashley Storrie.

Saturday, July 14, 2012

The Cafe in My street

Many years ago I used to hang out in a wee Italian Café in Shettleston where I was born.
It’s a small place Shettleston; it’s the kinda place where if the full moon gets reflected in the local pond, people threw in dead cats to see if they will be resurrected in its magical waters. I am exaggerating, it’s not that mental. But the locals were ‘special’ in some ways.

 This café I want to tell you about was a small affair and was owned by an Italian family called the Matteo’s.
There were two middle aged sisters, one called Anna and the other called Ella.
Anna wore a tall white pompadour curly wig which sat tall on her head like one of those profiterole towers often fashionable at cheap weddings.
Ella wore a tall dark one in much the same unusual style. Both were pencil thin and wore heavy black eye make up and big dark beauty spot stabbed on their top lip. Both in skin tight leopard skin clothing.

 I adored both these sultry sexy women, like a duo of Glasgow Sophia Loren’s, they brightened up my wee world.
Across from the cafe was the local steamie wash house, most of the women went there with lank hair, tired faces and clumping in big flat shoes like Cornish pasties, so Ella and Anna were somehow exotic in comparison, with their clicky kitten heels and coquettish wiggle and smell of chip fat and pizza’s wafting off them.

 I knew Ella more than Anna; as she ran the café with her side kick Terry the Poof and the ever present wee yappy dog, a tiny ginger tufty miniature lion.

 Terry the Poof, was the first openly gay man I ever knew.

In Glasgow you are usually named after your character, for instance there was also a man called ‘Bobby the Kiddie Fiddler’ because he was a paedophile and a bloke called Tommy the Elephant because he had big get what I am saying?

Strangely no one called her -‘Ella the Black haired Pompadour’ but I suppose being gay ear-marked Terry out for his unique name and solitary status in small town Shettleston. There weren’t many gay may ‘out’ back then in the 70s.

Terry was also middle aged and lived in a caravan out at the back of the café, like some exotic gypsy where a collection of unseen dogs that barked a cacophony of sound, were tied to a fence post.

He had a face that sagged around the eyes as he had been beaten too often and the black eyes that had just faded eventually sat like deflated poached eggs on his weather beaten cheeks. He was never without a bruise, which seemed normal to me at time, am ashamed to admit.
He usually had a black eye that was in several shades of fading, the colours ranged from a deep scuddy purple to a pale yellowish green. It somehow oddly, sadly suited him.

He drank too much booze as well, he would often drag a wee flask of whisky out of his back pocket and take a slug at it between serving up soggy chips and black edged crispy looking fried eggs.

He wore skin tight black jeans, a baggy bright shirt on his scrawny frame and always had a bright pink chiffon scarf tied around his neck in a big fancy bow.
It was the kind of fashion statement that made drunk and angry men hit him often, and I admired his tenacity and the sheer force of will that made him continue to wear it in the face of fear and aggression.

Shettleston was not ready for a man who wore a pink pussy-cat bow tied scarf and flaunted his love of Shirley Bassey by camping around dancing and impersonating her at the top of his husky voice.
On his head he wore a tight black beret at a jaunty angle.

I was seventeen. I shared his love of music and the café had a great juke box, it was at the height of the ‘Grease’ and ‘Saturday Night Fever’ era and the songs of both top box office films would blare out of that old 10 pence a song silver coloured juke box.
Terry and I would dance in the tiny space between the booths and sing along to the music. The dogs out back would bark and Ella would scream for more chips.

The café seating area was based around a corner shape with a few boxed-in Formica bench seats that you slid into with fixed Formica yellow tables with aluminium trim.

In the window there was a big ‘Terry’s All Gold Chocolate’ advertisement display made of cardboard that pulled out into a two dimensional image that looked like a big balcony overlooking some Mediterranean lake.
It was dreamy and exotic to me, the cardboard image was of a young beautiful couple dressed in elegant evening wear.
They stood at the white stucco balcony and looked out at the still blue water and I often stared at it and wondered if I would ever find such a well dressed man in a dickie bow who would give me chocolates beside a moonlit lake.

Terry would watch me stare at it; he would scoot in beside me, cross his skinny legs and ask “Isn’t that scene gorgeous? I want to go there too, where do you think it is?”

I would shake my head and imagine myself in a big blue dress looking over the calm waters with a sexy man at my side. “How deep is your love” the Bee Gees played in the background and I was whisked away in my imagination again.

I would often joke with Terry and ask him if he was the chocolate man in the advert of the same name and he would laugh back at me “Yes, I am the chocolate man, I melt when you hold me tight” and then he would twirl around as he held aloft a plate of greasy chips, and then bend elegantly and kiss the cardboard man in the dickie bow and evening suit. I would giggle and clap my hands.

Ella would scream at the top of her voice and tell me to stop encouraging him.

The heart of the café lay with Ella’s wee dog Tootsie.

It was a tiny pom-pom orange haired dog, I don’t know the breed, but it was strange looking.
It had a reddish coat like a fluffy squirrel’s with a wee pointy blackish face and tiny wee skinny sleek ginger legs that peeked out of the fluffy body.
It yapped constantly and bit everyone it came within six inches of.
It was small enough to fit inside my mammy’s old shopping bag, and often I fantasised about shoving it there, to shut it up.

The wondrous and bizarre thing about the evil ginger fluff ball was….it often had a heart attack.

Now I don’t know if it was actually a heart attack, but it would yap furiously and then fall on its back, like the biggest drama queen alive, then it would gasp and Ella would scream “My baby, help my baby” and all hell would be let loose.

She would physically throw the hot chips and runny eggs at the wall, flap around hysterically, Terry would throw up his hands and scream like a banshee as his scarf got entangled in his face and Ella would demand anyone that was present to press on the chest of the wee upturned dog till it came back to life.

That role often fell to me, I would jump up…as if I had been trained in dog CPR, and then grab the orange smelly beast, clear the Formica table with my hand like you see professional doctors do in preparation for an emergency operation.
The dog would be put on the table, I would press onto its wee tufty orange haired chest a few times and then it would leap onto its scrawny legs and bite me, every time.

Terry and Ella would be running into the street screaming around each other as passers by would gawp at them, realise the dog was having an ‘attack’ and carry on as normal.

Customers would sit and wait till the drama passed and Ella would not come back in till the dog was standing at the door yapping again, she would scoop it up and kiss its horrible wee rat like mouth as Terry stroked it and whispered soft soothing words. They were joined in the elation of their baby still being alive.

Then the café would get back to normal.         

One time when I was being ‘Janey the Dog Doctor’, a young tall boy who worked in the bar across the road from the café came in and watched me perform on the beast and quietly said to me “That dog pretends to die every day, you do know that don’t you?”

“Yes, I know but it scares Ella”

I could feel him smiling at me as I kept my eyes down on the dog, which was now back on its feet.
Its attack was not as life threatening that day; I think the young guy’s honesty shamed the wee animal.

He laughed and said “Ella and Terry are a couple of fucking drama queens, they love the attention”

I stared at him angrily, his deep brown eyes held my stare.

I snapped back “Some people need a wee drama to get through the day”.

He shrugged and walked away.          

He left slamming the door behind him and it shook the fancy cardboard display that fell from its position and landed flat on the floor.

The Mediterranean was upside down and the happy couple landed in some cola that was spilt on the floor. I gasped at the sight of it – it was all collapsed and distorted looking.

Terry rushed to pick it up; he looked at me and wiped it down with a wee cloth and then he carefully put it back up at the window.

 “All good Janey, nothing damaged” he spoke softly “The happy couple are fine”
Terry looked at me and patted the cardboard man on the head and came over to see how Tootsie was recovering.

“That boy fancies you” Terry said as the dog jumped back up and viscously bit my arm.
“I don’t like him, he is a dick” I snapped as I sucked at the bruise on my wrist.

Terry smiled and winked at me.

I wonder what happened to Terry, Ella and Tootsie; I hope they lived happily ever after, I grew up a lot that year and moved to Redcar in Yorkshire for a wee spell, just a change, it wasn’t the Mediterranean, but it was different from Shettleston.

And that tall boy who came into the cafe?

Well Terry was right, he did fancy me and a year after that first meeting, when I came home in 1979 to see my mammy, and we met up and started dating and got married in 1980.
To think we met over a dog that pretended to be dead in a café where a gay man with a bruised eye and jaunty cap worked with a woman who wore a  huge black wig.

You can follow me on @janeygodley on Twitter

Thursday, July 12, 2012

Tim & Freya the full story & Conclusion!

This entire story happened and was tweeted live by me Janey Godley from a Virgin train from Glasgow to London.
Follow me on Twitter @janeygodley

Ø Couple on train before it’s even moved have fallen out over "her inability to accept the truth" this will be fun. @VirginTrains.

Ø She just told him" I can accept the truth you are incapable of speaking it NOW WHO the FUCK is TIA and why did she email you.

Ø The train hasn't even MOVED yet.

Ø He said "Tia isn’t working with us anymore she lives in Rome now" she said "lucky fucking her is she a nun then?" and slammed her bag down.

Ø He hissed" shut up Freya, we never had anything going on it was when we were staying in Bognor remember?" she says "yes Bognor".

Ø Freya says "you were impotent in Bognor or were you just exhausted fucking Tia". 

Ø He (Tim) is staring at floor Freya is eating a sandwich in a furious chompy manner as if it was his limp cock ( am guessing). 

Ø Freya is on her text and Tim is pretending to ignore her. Tim-"who are you sending that piece of shit to?" "ur mum" she said. 

Ø @VirginTrains brill am tweeting an argument between Freya and Tim sitting near me. 

Ø Tim just rubbed his eye "stop grooming me Freya" he said. She stared and said "did Tia 'groom' you? (She did rabbit fingers). 

Ø Tim has gone to loo Freya just called 'Lisa" on mobile "I hate him Lisa he never explains his emails or texts that I find" .

Ø Freya is off the phone. 

Ø I think Freya is a psychotic bitch Tim might have jumped from the train.

Ø Tim is back. 

Ø "Now tell me everything about Tia" she hisses and Tim is staring at her I think he is scared. 

Ø She just PLUCKED out one of his eyebrows out in the middle of a conversation with her fingers! 

Ø Tim tried to hold her hand but Freya just grabbed his face and snogged him. 

Ø Train is moving fine now Freya is gripping Tim’s hand imploringly. 

Ø "I love you Tim” says Freya.

Ø Tim says "I was close to Tia back in 99 before we met" fucking NO TIM don't tell her! Freya is smiling encouraging him to tell. 

Ø "Tia and I flat shared in Manchester in late 90s was wild times" Tim smiled wistful. 

Ø Freya is actually gnashing her jaw how can Tim not see this? "Wild how?" she asks. 

Ø "I told you I was in a band at Uni back in late 90s" Tim pleads. Freya snorts “was it Oasis?" and laughs really loudly at Tim.

Ø Tim stupidly explains "we did a few festivals together when I was in the band" Freya laughs “what BAND? You were in a band?" 

Ø Tim has got up and walked off Freya is on phone to her pal Lisa “did you know this wanker was in a band? Me neither". 

Ø Oh my god Freya doesn't know this poor bastard was in a band - what band?

Ø "Lisa am getting the morning after pill I have six hours left to make sure am not pregnant to this loser" said Freya. 

Ø Tim is back he is looking at me suspiciously hope he can't see me tweeting.

Ø Tim "Freya I never loved Tia - it was 98 last time I saw her, she emailed to say she is in Rome living please stop fighting”. 

Ø Tim "I love you Freya" FUCK don't love her Tim she hates you!

Ø Tim is back to staring at floor Freya is smiling.

Ø "Am pregnant” Freya just said to Tim. Oh My FUCKING god she isn't she is going to take morning after pill DO I STEP in? 

Ø Tunnel.

Ø "Are you sure?" he is asking. She is glaring at him " of course am sure am a woman are u calling me a liar?"

      Ø Meanwhile am shaking my head at him mouthing the word LIAR.

Ø He isn't looking at me I must not get involved.

Ø Freya just said "well I might not be pregnant but am thinking of not taking the morning after pill which is same thing".

Ø There is another watcher to this story just spotted a man watching me watching them he has raised an eyebrow at me.

Ø Tim "that's not the same as being pregnant for fucking hells sake Freya take the pill I don't want this anymore" people staring.

Ø Freya just said “I love you don't leave me what about Debra?" 

Ø Who the fuck is Debra? 

Ø Tim has turned away from me and said "Debra will be fine don't pretend you loved her as well?"  I want to ask who Debra is.

Ø Freya "Debra needs grooming" please oh fuck please let Debra be a horse and not a child.

Ø "Am not paying to keep her anymore Tim if you leave me" Freya says  an guessing Debra is s horse.

Ø He says "am riding Debra this week" phew Debra is a horse/ pony/ thing.

Ø "Look can we stop talking about your fucking horse and explain why u r leaving me?" says Freya. 

Ø Tim "you pretended to be pregnant Freya".

Ø "I didn't pretend I said I might be you always make me the liar Tim" says Freya "I wish I recorded what u said” says Tim. 

Ø I wish Debra was another woman he is riding and I wish I could tell Tim I have recorded what Freya said.

Ø Tim stormed off Freya is crying into phone "Lisa he is being horrible and I think am pregnant if i don't take morning after".

Ø She is tall slim blonde English with big Smokey eye makeup he is rugged tall and dark English posh.

Ø Tim is back with four cans of beer and has SAT AT ANOTHER TABLE. 

Ø Personally I don't think she is pregnant and is lying but am just a watcher.

Ø Freya has got up and sat beside Tim trying to hug him.

Ø He is wearing dark suit jacket blue shirt she is wearing fawn coat and big boots. 

Ø Tim is ignoring Freya's attempts to reconcile half way down the train a toddler fell and there is baby screams.

Ø The baby screams very well timed Tim is talking to 'RUPPY' his pal.. Oh My GOD Tim just got up and ran off train at Carlisle.

Ø Train is moving off now and Freya is just banging on window ! Even I didn't expect that! Fuck TIM is OFF.

Ø Ladies and gentlemen Tim is off at Carlisle and waving.

Ø Tim is off the train

Ø Freya is sitting pretending she didn't care Tim is off and is moving cans to the side she is calling Lisa on phone.

Ø @JaneyGodley: Ladies and gentlemen Tim is off at Carlisle and waving.

Ø Freya to Lisa "He just got off train at Carlisle… Yes he took his bag and ran off. Am taking the pill now he is such a wimp".

Ø Freya has moved seats left the beer and applying make up and rustling a bag with BOots chemist logo e.

Ø She is taking the pill (thank god) and is now talking on her phone.

Ø "He was good at going down" WTF ? Who is she speaking to?

Ø "We didn't really make a go of it he prefers horses and was in Iraq for most of the year?" she is saying.

Ø Am guessing Tim was in army? Why else would you go to Iraq?

Ø TIM has called her PEOPLE TIM is on the phone.

Ø "Fuck you Tim" Freya is shouting "am getting off next stop Marcus is coming to get me".

Ø Tim hung up by the sounds of it and now Freya is sitting staring out of the window.

Ø I hope Tim and his horse go to Rome and find Tia.

Ø Freya calling Lisa "by the way Stella McCartney is really ugly close up & a bit fat, I hate her stuff”. 

Ø Freya to Lisa" yeah he is off the train fuck him Marcus is going to meet me at Next stop".

Ø Freya is staring at me.

Ø Am dying to ask if she is ok to get who Marcus is.

Ø Lisa has called TIM.

Ø "I don't give a fuck Tim" she is shouting.

Ø "Take your horse and stick it up your arse for all I care and I hope you find a woman who doesn't mind your shit cock".

Ø "go back to Iraq with your mates or whatever they are called ...well ..That then ...regiment ...whatever, I don't care".

Ø "Am not pregnant who said I was pregnant? Don't you dare slag Lisa" Freya on phone to Tim.

Ø "I am meeting Marcus at ..." puts hand over phone asks me " what is next station?" me- "Oxenhome" her "what?" 

Ø Freya to Tim on phone "am meeting Marcus at Oxenhome if you must know l". 

     Ø Freya is crying now.

Ø I gave went over ... Am in ... Am offering a hankie.

Ø She stared at me funny am back in my seat am out again.

Ø She is pretending to sleep.

Ø Freya is up shed us getting her bag together I think she is getting off at Oxenholme.

Ø Oh she is back on the phone "am sorry Tim am sorry please meet me at Oxenholme? I love you".

Ø Freya on phone "please Tim meet me there? I will wait for you there I love you”. 

Ø She is getting off at Oxenholme to meet Tim.

Ø She got off at Oxenholme and is in phone to Tim they are meeting up I think THE END.

      Conclusion- Three Days Later

Ø Sorry if I shed heaps of followers after that drama from Glasgow all done now time for a cuppa for me.

Ø Poor Tim I hope he uses his army training to hide in Carlisle and avoid her. 

Ø Dear lord I GOT an EMAIL to my WEBSITE from TIM or someone claiming to be him!

Ø Am not sure it's him "Tim EMAILED me" have asked for a photo as I know what he looks like.

Ø Tim is confirmed TIM emailed me a photo of him and it's HIM! OMG I asked him what happened at Carlisle.

Ø He said a mate follows me on twitter and he recognised the names and description.

Ø Told me briefly in email he is glad he read the thread as he didn't know Freya said those things - he DIDN'T go to Oxenholme! 

Ø He's going to Cornwall where he lives & has a horse and hopes Freya finds Marcus and leaves him alone - he is a bit embarrassed.

To see the original tweet live line go to the: Storify Site