Sunday, May 31, 2009
Saturday, May 30, 2009
to the local cafe and we sat outside in the early morning sunshine.
Julia tottered about; she is so cute and is two and half years old. She spotted
a wee fat woodlouse on the concrete tiles. “Look a wee bug” she pointed. “Go say hello to it Julia” I said.
She bent down, her wee bum in the air; she put her face near the louse and said loudly “Are you out here for a wee smoke?”
All the adults who were puffing on a ciggie and quaffing coffee stared at each other and stubbed out their fags. I laughed loudly; I could just imagine a wood louse having a wee fag. Julia decided to ‘touch’ it to see how it felt and I think the wood louse became a squashed dot on the tiles, but we ignored that bit.
I headed home and tried not to think about sleeping as my jet lag is a killer.
So now today I up at 6am.
After spending a whole month in freezing cold New Zealand, I am now bathed in glorious hot Glasgow sunshine, and I still complain. I have realised that the weather and I are never going to be best friends. Though I must admit Glasgow
looks great in the bright hot sun, we do wear a yellow day well.
My jet lag still persists in dragging me down, I am falling asleep at 8pm and waking at 5am, this will continue for another week then will probably be my sleep pattern for life when I hit 50 years old (which is soon), so am just practising for getting old and going to bed early.
But yesterday I got up, and did some paperwork, house cleaning and got some early shouting at family done, it’s always good to get the shouting done before midday,
I feel. Husband and Ashley are avid bathroom cleaning avoiders; they both don’t
see the need to scrub toilets or tiles. Which means it’s MY job to get that done.
After moaning at people, I packed a bag and went out to the park. The Glasgow Botanic gardens were mobbed out! There were people sprawled out on almost every single patch of grass as far as the eye could see! The ice cream van was doing
a roaring trade and old people leaned against fences and mopped their faces with cotton hankies. I found a wee shady spot, camped out and read a book in the warm
sun for about ten minutes and then got bored. I don’t do outdoor sitting very well.
I get uncomfortable; I get jittery and then start wandering about. I may have developed some mental illness that prevents me from sitting still for ages, or
maybe I was always this way? I don’t know.
A wedding party were being photographed, some poor bride picked today to get wed and her photos will be full of semi-naked fat Glaswegians in her backgrounds. I watched a drunken man throw an empty beer can at the bride and then watched as the garden ‘police’ threw him out. This is the West End of Glasgow, people don’t throw cans at brides!
I continued watching Glaswegians in the hot sun and it was fun. The park was dominated with students as the park is close to Glasgow University. Big over grown yet tenderly young gangly boys with under developed white concave chests crouched beside studious looking girls whose startlingly white legs look strangely lumpy in childlike shorts. Just heaps of very young kids who looked like they had grown up too quickly were wearing badly fitting clothes and trying hard to pass off as cool sun drenched adults.
Books were strewn around them and all I could hear were boy/man voices trying hard to impress the scantily clad girls. I watched the group and then saw all the boys watch one girl approach them; I followed their gaze and spotted a tall lithe girl who wore a bikini top and a short tie dye skirt. She had the kind of body that got Norma Jean to change her name. Her curves and easy sway of her hips had now mesmerised the clutch of boy/men who gathered round the awkward girls. The pale girls watched the tall girl swing her bag over her shoulder, one boob almost came out but just jiggled a bit and stayed encapsulated in her pink bra top.
The girl dropped to her knees and joined the group. The boys stared, the girls looked away and the bra top girl threw herself onto her back, threw her legs
up in the air and shouted “I fucking love the sun”.
The girls all started to cover up their lumpen white bodies and the boys all managed to move their skinny chests in the sexy girl’s direction. It was fun to watch their gauche teenage ritual dance.
The park soon got boring, the sun got hotter and I gave up and headed home. Ashley and her mates had been out in town annoying the geeky men who work in an obscure comic book shop. She must drive those blokes insane with her mad carefully rehearsed questions about comics she has researched on the web, but has no intention of buying.
So another hot day passed me by, I scrubbed bathroom tiles, I watched people in the park and I got some sunburn on my foot.
(Three hours later)
So this morning after I wrote this blog, I believed I had finished it but NO...
I went up to see my dad as it was 8am and I was awake and he is alone and I miss him. He ate toast with crystallised ginger (Yuk) I ate normal toast with butter.
Dad is recently widowed and I miss my wee step-mum and so I go up and keep him company sometimes when I can. I never realised what a cantankerous old grump he can be, he does the death stare and completely ignores me when I suggest stuff to him and that makes me giggle.
I spotted a coffee stain on the kitchen floor and I took a hot cloth to wipe it, the old man deftly ripped it out of my hands, threw the cloth on the floor, stamped his foot on it and used his feet to rub the cloth and then flicked the cloth with his toe upwards and caught it. I was fucking amazed at this, my dad can do keepy up with a hot cloth. “I can wash the floor and I can manage without bending” he muttered. I laughed loudly at his independence and his footwork!
Anyway we both headed out to the bus stop as he was meeting some pals and I was heading back home. Glasgow is really hot today and even though it is early, you can feel the sun really burning already. Glasgow has a history of violence when it gets too hot, this is a fact! To confirm my theory, I spotted two women and a fat man punching each other’s heads outside the old butcher shop at 10am on Maryhill Rd.
Not only were they fighting, swearing and sweating, they had dressed for the weather. Big fat sausage arms, wobbly pot bellies and chunky blue veined legs in strappy vests and too tight shorts were on show...nice! I stood and watched as the fat woman punched the big tattooed fat man round red bulgy face.
Then something struck me (no, not a fist) but I just realised that all big fat drunk women in Glasgow have the identical same haircut – The short shaved grey hair at the sides with curly short waves on top, it looks like a man’s hair style from the 50s. They ALL have that style believe me, none of them had long wavy clipped up hair with maybe a red flower at their ear or blonde wavy tresses pinned up in a bun...no they all had Brenda The Spot- Welders hair, I was momentarily distracted from the early morning fight by this hair phenomenon. Then I got back to watching them punch each other and swear loudly. I so miss The East End of Glasgow and am somehow pleased that Maryhill has retained the tradition of street fighting in summer mornings for me to reminisce.
I left the fight and walked down twenty yards onto The Great Western Rd where posh Aga shops and Clive Christian kitchen designs all sit cheek by jowl; we have loads of Asian jewellers, Asian dress maker’s shops and fancy upmarket cafés, great bars and designer clothes shops- no street fighting there.
It always amazes me how the two roads (Great Western Rd and Maryhill rd) are parallel and just yards apart but are so very different.
One has upmarket shops that sell fridges that Elton John would buy and the other has a second hand shop where drunken people lie on the sofa in the street.
I once got my hair trimmed in a hair dressers on Maryhill rd and the woman who owned it told me she hated the Great Western Rd as it just catered for ‘Paki’s’
I left with my hair wet and walked home in disgust, no wonder people punch people on Maryhill Rd.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
I would have sold my soul to stretch out and lie down, I started getting grumpy. I occasionally get so grumpy I need to sleep properly and I get mental, husband and Ashley and maybe best mate Monica have seen me in full swing ‘GRUMPY and MENTAL’. I go very quiet and become secretly determined to annihilate everyone in a five feet radius. I usually start on the small people and work my way up. Luckily just as I was plotting everyone’s murder, I fell asleep!
I finally arrived in London, got off the plane and immediately lay on a flat floor to stretch out my back, people stared at me but I didn’t care.
I almost pushed the flight to Glasgow with all my will, I never knew my mind could control an aeroplane, but I really believed that driving my thoughts forward that plane would go faster, I was sleep deprived and tired beyond belief.
Glasgow was sunny and happy to see me, the M8 looked beautiful, much in the same way the Serengeti looks good to a lion that was re-released into the wild.
Husband smiled and helped me with my luggage. I was excited to see him.
“I was so cramped and pained in that seat I feel deathly” I leaned into him.
“It could be worse, you could be taller and that would be worse” he said.
“Welcome back Janey” I thought to myself, welcome back to the man who will always point out how things can be worse if you ever complain about something; I forgot he did that and it annoyed me.
We sat quiet all the way as he drove me home. I wanted some sympathy not a sermon about how worse things can be.
“My neck has been sore for weeks” husband said as he stroked his neck and drove with one hand.
“Could be worse, you could have neck cancer and it might be ready to kill you” I said. He stared at me, recognised that I was batting his comment back at him and we both knew...welcome home Janey! Let the games begin.
Well anyway I got home and was so happy to see my own bed. I immediately threw myself flat on my back and it felt great. Ashley was out at the University end of term showcase awards.
Husband had made a big pot of mince and potatoes and it was great to eat the hot food.
Finally after all the travelling and eating I headed into my own bed. The covers were all freshly washed and my pillow was just divine. I woke up the next morning to hear the news that Ashley had won the Script Writing Award and I am so proud of her!
Husband and I managed to get some paper work done, we visited my dad and we got flights and trains booked. Things just work out when your busy.
So since last night I have been sleeping on and off for hours, husband has been rubbing my sore legs and back, I have been elbowing his sore neck when he snoozes, that’s marriage!
Monday, May 25, 2009
One comic got so bladdered he had to be physically carried to his hotel room, I twisted my ankle dancing, and that’s how hard core I am! I was fine; I didn’t need escorted home with a cold compress. I did however manage to catch up with Fiona O’Loughlin who is a wonderful OZ comic and mate of mine from Edinburgh Festival. I had stared at her twice during the day thinking “She looks familiar” Bloody Fiona thought I wasn’t speaking to her, I am getting old that’s all.
My flight out is at 11pm NZ time and the amazing PR lady MEL who has looked after me like a guardian angel extended my stay so I wouldn’t be homeless half the day in Auckland. Mel has been a Godsend to me, she just has the magic touch to make things happen and good Karma will follow her everywhere.
So NZ was awesome. Scott and Bridget had a beautiful baby, my show sold out, I mock married a puppetry of the penis man, I pole danced in a brides veil, I invented a knew filthy lesbian hand signal with Hannah Gadsby and I got make friends with Jason Cook’s mum who is just AWESOME!
I never did anything exciting, like jumping off towers or bungee jumping off a bridge, I did do 6 kids shows and the last one a wee boy shouted out “My dad’s arsehole” when I asked them to suggest rotten ingredients for manky soup. That made me giggle but I did say “what happens in the kids show stays in the kids show” the parents were fine, I giggled more.
I am quite tired and this is starting to resemble a posh girls fake diary, so am off to pack up but when I get home I will write a full account of the madness I witnessed.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
I tried to watch an in house movie, it was a romcom called Zak and Miri make a Porno – but the sound was out of synch slightly so I had to go downstairs and explain to the reception.
The girl was tiny Asian and we were both having a slight accent problem, so I had to shout (coz I am a dick) “My film I paid for ‘Zak and Miri make a Porno’ didn’t work properly” and all everyone in the reception heard in my big Scottish voice was “My PORNO film didn’t work in my room”
The wee tiny Asian woman stared at me with startled eyes. “Did you not get to hear the voices ok? But was the picture ok?”
I had to re-explain that the film wasn’t a porno but a US romcom and seriously if I was watching a porno I really didn’t need the voices to match their mouths, it was a long conversation and ended in me just nodding and walking away looking like a fuckwit.
Gok Wan the TV host was staying at the hotel and we ran into each other a few times and had a beer at the bar and a good old natter, he is lovely really.
Other than that I am happy as a fat pigeon. I go home Monday night and get back to Glasgow sometime later (not sure, really I go back in time two days, come back into the international dateline -age three days forward, go back two days and look like a skanky rabbit with hepatitis B by the time I get back home).
Good news, I got to go over to Scott and Bridget’s house and hug their new born baby Nicholas. He is SO adorable and my big warm boob was the perfect place for him to snuggle into and fall asleep. There are photo’s which I can’t wait to see.
So now I am awake and the sun is streaming through one of my many hotel room windows! I watched guys jump off the Sky Tower in a bungee type thing and decided I will never do that. Having once had a gun at my head in my past, I reckon I have had enough adrenaline rushes in my life. See you all soon.
Sunday, May 17, 2009
The shows at Classic have been going great guns, lovely busy shows with nice Kiwi folks and a smattering of Scots swinging by to hear me talk, all good. But the weather has been shit so I was in lockdown mode at Sky City Hotel, which although is nice, I don’t like living in a casino. The hotel staff is wonderful and the lady PR is awesome and so well connected, more about that later.
Then more good news, Scott and Bridget who own Classic and brought me over for festival delivered a bonny baby boy last week. He is ridiculously beautiful and just such a delight to us all.
So, back to my high jinkery, Dan Nightingale is here and I adore him. We never met much in UK but he is just such a funny wee fucker to hang about with and his infectious humour cheered me up, so I drank shots. Yes, shots. I got rather drunk spoke shit and ambled back to the hotel at 5am basically every night over the past weekend. Time catches up with you, trust me,
So Saturday was party night at the Classic and after THREE shows I ended up back at the bar. Mickey D, Jason Cook, JJ Whitehead and all the guys were doing their late night show in the basement, which was just a bunch of folks high on life and ...booze, it was intense is all I am saying!
Yet it is funny to watch performers at varying degrees of fun-ness do their stuff, made me chortle a bit. So we all ended back up at Classic, I had at least two drinks, but that mixed with tiredness tipped me over the edge. You know it’s bad when young people come up and say “Janey are you going to drink tonight?” Apparently I am hilarious on booze, fucking should go onstage more drunk then? No, that’s just sarcasm and tiredness talking.
The blokes from Puppetry of The Penis turn up, I for some bizarre reason ended up dressed in a bride’s veil, pole dance and had a mock wedding to a penis bender and got dry humped from behind. Strange that everyone was pissed drunk one minute yet managed to have HUGE cameras flashing when I slid down a pole dressed in a bride’s veil (where did that veil come from? Who was dressed as a bride?). The barman shouted “I have a photo and we are off to Facebook Ashley” that sobered me up quickly!
The night ended in all decent behaviour my new fake husband was a gentleman and treated me lovely (after dancing like a horny dog at my bum for a wee while, can’t wait to see the pics!) To be honest he got very drunk and wandered off with another woman (men can be cruel) and I got into bed in enough time to get five hours sleep, which was enough to get back up and do another kids show. I love screaming kids; I never knew my ovaries and kidneys could actually twitch. But they do when kids scream that loud. Yummy, my favourite thing!
Today, I moved to The Sky City Grand Hotel Suite (thanks wonderful ladies in my life), which is awesome and just amazing. I have two plasma screens (one in each room) and a full working kitchen. Thanks Sky City, you make me smile in places people can’t see.
I bought fresh lamb, salmon and salad...no more living on cheese Grain Waves for me, real food is on the cards people.
It’s the last week in Auckland and then I get to go home. My drinking and marrying strange men days are over. Jason Cook, JJ Whitehead, Mickey D, Carey Marx, Dan Nightingale and everyone else I have missed out have been a great support network of buddies and I have had such a fun festival this time around. Jason Cook is going to swim with sharks and then jump off the Sky Tower, I am thinking of buying socks. People like different things.
I wish the weather had been better as I holed myself up over the past few weeks watching the rain batter down. All I needed was two dangerous dogs a dead junkie and I was back in Glasgow.
Ashley had a busy week and I missed it all, I am missing my family like hell – but here is a tip, booze does NOT numb the pain, it only makes you mock-marry men who can make the Cutty Sark with their cock. Just a warning people, just wanted to put that out there!
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Luckily people are loving the show as are the critics. I do love New Zealand so much. Today I woke up and the sun shone for the first time since I got here but no doubt the rain will batter down before lunch time. I got up early to do the Kim and Corbett shows on More FM here in Auckland and those guys are just hilarious!
Last night at The Classic I got to hang out after the show and saw wee Jimmy the ‘small person’ actor, he is about 3 feet tall, he came in with the tallest woman in the world, she is about 7 feet tall and I giggled. Yes, but Jimmy is a mate and he saw the madness in it as well. He and the tall lady are mates, who knew?
Today Scott and Bridget who own the Classic are awaiting the arrival of their baby; Bridget is being induced or ‘introduced’ to the baby today hopefully. So Scott is all stoical but totally jittery as a bag of blind cats! Bless them and hopefully today will see all their dreams come true.
Comedy clubs and festivals must be the last thing on their mind, yet they still run a tight ship. It puts everything into perspective when you worry about shows and here are two loving parents preparing for a baby!
My daughter Ashley left University last week. I can’t believe I missed her last day. In this job you miss so much, like birthdays, anniversaries, weddings and last day of school and first day of term.
I am so very proud of Ashley, she has just done her Honours in Screenplay writing (I think that is what the course is, I always say it wrong or she changes it yearly). She has screeds of O’levels, A’levels and now a degree and Honours thingy (am not educated enough to understand) and she is the first in countless generations of my family and I suppose husbands direct family to attend University, am so very the proud mum today.
I lay in bed yesterday and thought back to that very first day of school when she was super excited and all dressed up in her wee green blazer and hat, carrying a leather satchel and off to school. Her big eager smile and long thick blonde hair in a plaits, was it really so long ago? She insisted on kissing every single teddy bear before she left to assure them she would be back and all the boys that lived in out tenement block all came out to watch her go, we all had a wee tear in our eyes. Husband vomited buckets, he was distraught at her leaving and although it was a private school, it wasn’t boarding!
So now my big girl is all done. I am so very chuffed for her, she can be everything and do everything we never got the chance to do. Go Ashley!
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
I got up Sunday morning, packed my entire belongings, checked out of hotel and headed to the kids show. I was Soooooooooo tired and the kids were awesome. Except for one fat dad who decided to heckle AT A KIDS SHOW!
Boy did he get a very contained, clean and scathing mouthful from me. The other parents sat there gobsmacked at how a man could sit and heckle at a kids show. It made the room tense, but then I explained to the kids that the reason the man kept shouting was because he never paid attention to teachers when he was small and sometimes adults who don’t get enough attention and drink too much late night lemonade shouldn’t keep pets never mind be in charge of a small human or monkey for that matter and should be respectful.
The kids laughed loudly, the other parent’s tutted at him and I got the kids to shout “Shut up grumpy adult” really loudly. I suspect wife beating racist was in the room but with kids in ear shot and his own son being equally mouthy, I restrained myself and gave him a Good Godley stare. He continued to shout out and heckle the amazing improvised story that Derek Flores was performing. We were aghast but felt sorry for his kid.
Then off we ran to the airport to catch a flight to Auckland as me and Maeve Higgins was on the Diva show at Sky City Theatre on landing basically. We were all so tired. When we landed in Auckland I noticed that Steve Coogan had shared the busy flight, we chatted and he asked me how the shows were going, he is on a world tour and off to Vancouver. He was lovely and I love his stuff, so that cheered me up. So then I squeezed into a 1971 Ford Capri with luggage that the Chris from the festival turned up in to get me to the hotel. It was like going back in time and he drove bare foot! The car made noises much the same as my own cranky chassis.
I got into the hotel at 6.50pm and bear in mind I was MC at 7.30pm at the big theatre which luckily was in the same hotel as we were staying.
I looked like a shit and needed to get my act together. The concierge came up to the room. He whipped out the iron, iron board, adjusted the iron heat, unpacked my makeup, made me tea and basically got everything ready for me! What a GUY! I was out the door with lovely clothes, full make up and tufty hair tied up and on stage for 7.30 on the dot!
Divas show was just great, I love working with women. We all giggled and laughed backstage and the show went like a dream. There was a meet and greet afterwards with some competition winners for me and Michelle A’ Court, normally that might feel like a horrific forced party but the women were awesome and we all chatted like old mates.
So on Monday I got ready for my show opening at Classic Comedy Club and it was awesome. But am glad that Sky City Hotel is looking after me, they are just BRILLIANT! Thank you guys.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
With a chubby finger I would trace the lines around her eyes and make up stories about the moles on her chin,
She would sit with me and stare into my face “What do you see Janey?” she asked me once,
“I see you mammy, you have brown dots on your eye” I whispered back.
“They are the stains of the past” she told me as she cupped my face close.
The stains of her past could have been cleansed, I could have washed them with her in our old age-but she went away and died too young, I was too young, I miss telling stories about her face.
I am a mum, I trace the shape of my daughter’s face with my wrinkled fingers and I get to tell her wondrous stories about the moles on her chin, she has brown dots on her eyes, they aren’t blemishes though.
They are stars past down by a woman who mistook them for stains.
Saturday, May 09, 2009
The shows have been going great guns and the festival people look after you so well. Dan Crozier finally got me a phone I could use (it wasn’t his job to get me phone but he is awesome) but the phone is all smashed in on the screen and it looks like it was lifted from a rape crime scene. There might be blood splatters on it, BUT it works and that’s the main thing.
I have hardly seen hide or hair of Blanket Man the famous Wellington street hobo. Even he got out of the rain. I miss him in a strange way.
The San Francisco Bath House (which isn’t a gay sauna) is a wonderful venue and Ziggy and his crew make everyone so welcome and the shows have been selling out good.
Today I did the Kids Comedy Shows and that was a great experience. On Sunday I do one kids show then fly to Auckland and go straight into Diva’s Comedy show...so busy life.
My bit in NZ telly at the comedy Gala was awesome, I am so glad they didn’t edit the Susan Boyle skit that I did and I will get it uploaded to YouTube as soon as possible. Meanwhile you can see it on Facebook if you are added as my friend!
My Twitter count is going up as well, I gained 100 people in the last week...I am touched.
Missing husband and Ashley and my daddy of course, will tell you all about Auckland when I get there.
Tuesday, May 05, 2009
They really know how to run a comedy gig and we comics appreciate that.
I am glad my first night went good, it really tired me out. As soon as my show was over I went straight to the hotel and was asleep for 9.30pm!
I got some lovely emails this morning from people who were at the show and they mentioned how poignant the ending was, it really is an emotional show at times, but funny none the less. Am glad the Wellingtonians took to it.
The downside is I still DONT have a phone that works, I have been given two mobiles but BOTH need either unlocked or thrown into the ocean for not working well. Does anyone have a cheap pay as you go phone that needs just phone vouchers and can lend it to me until 25th May? Please?
The comedy fest crew down here in Wellington are awesome, they said “Call us and we will get you anything you need”.
I said “can you get me a phone so I can call you for stuff?” How they laughed.
So tonight in NZ the comedy gala is aired and I am hoping I am on it and someone in NZ can record it on DVD for me.
Ok, its early am on the Skype to husband and Ashley and I am off...speak soon.
Monday, May 04, 2009
“Janey that cat from next door peeped its head round the door and I chased it with a laser pen, that red dot drives it nuts” he shouted loudly down the microphone.
So yesterday morning, with no daddy voice to cheer me up, I boarded a flight to Wellington. How I love this city of Wellington, though I could do without that biting wind. Every single shop, theatre and street sign reminds me of the time Ashley and I came here in 2006.
So, am in Wellington, its awesome and just a wonderful city. The hotel is just perfect and it is had the biggest bath I have ever seen! Can’t wait to go for a swim in that baby!
Last night we all did the First Laughs in the Wellington Opera House. The building is 93 years old and is a proper old theatre, such beauty. The show went well, I over ran my set which is a bad thing but everyone assured me it was ok, but it felt greedy doing that, I just couldn’t see the cue light amongst the 500 other lights on the ceiling.
So we all hoofed it to the after show party at the Good Luck bar which is just a cracking wee bar to hang out in, the downside is I drank gin and wore high heels and danced. Yes, all bad.
This morning in the complete darkness my hotel door got knocked on, then it was opened but the chain stopped it. I leapt out of bed and opened the door up and shouted at this obviously crazy woman “Excuse me, why are you banging on all the doors?”
“I am housekeeping and if you don’t want your room cleaned put the do not disturb sign on please?” she yapped back.
“At this time of the morning?” I screamed at her. I stepped into the hall and to get a better shout at her.
“It’s almost 10am” she spoke back and stared at me. I stood there and threw up my arms and said “really?”...that’s when I heard my door click shut.
I was standing in the hall in my tee shirt and knickers.
“Can you open my door please” I humbly begged.
“Alcohol is a demon” she whispered as she opened my door.
Great, I party one night a year, I drink 3 gins and dance and suddenly I am Courtney Love.
Wellington be gentle with me I am groggy and tired.