My Tits got felt

A great title I know but it’s not erotic. I forgot to tell you all this when I was in London. I was pondering a new bra at a shop in Kensington that caters for women with breasts the size of small inflatable dinghies, and I spotted a good bra. I picked it up and went into try it on. Just as I got my baps out and attempted to get the big babies under control a wee women threw the curtain back and said

“Right, so let’s see if this will be a good fit”

I wasn’t that worried, I have had an Australian doctor pull a whole baby out of my vagina with two big salad tongs or forceps, I am over shame and shyness, but this woman had wiry steel wool hair and was wearing K Skips shoes and jeans with an elasticated waist and that was what scared me. I am not suggesting she was a lesbian, or a sexual deviant, that wouldn’t bother me either I once spent a night in a prison cell with a girl who was gay and whacked men’s cocks with a spatula I know this coz she told me that, what worried me was this woman was juggling my over sized tits and looked like she was trying to catch giant jellies from the sky in her hands.
She wasn’t capable of doing the job was my issue, that and the fact I didn’t ask for a woman wearing acrylic handing my tenders.

She then finally got the hang of me.

She then showed me how to ‘lower’ myself into the bra from the front and not drag it up my body, she then showed me how to arrange my nipples for comfort, and it was quite interesting. It was when she started rearranging my nipples through the material, I got worried.

“I think I can manage” I spoke briskly. She left in a hurry and swished the curtain fast behind her. The bra fitted ok, once I got my juggly bunnies into it. I went to pay for the bra and said “can you tell the woman fitter in the lemon jumper my bra fitted ok and thanks for her help”

The till assistant looked at me and said “We don’t have any bra fitters on today, who are you talking about?”

I left the shop and realised that I was touched up by a frizzy haired woman who happened to be in the bra fitting section, is that sexual assault?

I don’t know but she did give me some good advice, despite being crap at handing my boobs.

Anyway back to today, I met up with John Smeaton; you may recall he was the bloke who kicked the airport attackers in Glasgow’s only Taliban attack at the Glasgow Airport in 2007! Well realistically speaking the guys were actually two local doctors from the general hospital who were shite at terrorism and ended up with their hair on fire and dying, anyway John Smeaton was the accidental hero and is my mate.

We had a good old natter, both of us have stopped smoking and we are going to Kelly Cooper Barr’s Style night at 29 in Glasgow tomorrow. We caught up and had coffee and spoke about John’s upcoming nuptials. He is getting married in July!

John walked me to Fraser’s department store and headed off, he will have enough time to shop when he becomes a husband, and the poor fucker doesn’t need to suffer me shopping as a practise run. I need to get some decent flat shoes as I am to Los Angeles this weekend and then onto New Zealand on Monday to do the NZ Comedy Festival, I am excited and can’t wait!

Husband cant wait to see the back of me either I imagine, we just spent three weeks together in London and he is quite fed up of my annoying face and voice.

I will no doubt let you know how the fashion and style night goes with John.