So, the flight from LA. Well, I managed to get three seats together which fit me perfect. The downside was the plane was flooded by the paedophile dream that is an entire cheer leading team. A ‘Squeakle’ (the collective noun for skinny girls in pink Lycia) of these teens all gathered around my seats. It seems they were seated in my special sleepy quiet bit of the plane!
I was busy making my wee seat nest when all I could hear was the girls screeching and chattering, it was like the noise of you make when you rub a piece of damp polystyrene up and down a glass. So, I leaned over my seats and three big blue eyed 13 year old stared back.
“Listen up girls, I am going be lying down for the entire flight, I am due my period and it makes slightly killy, which is stabby but in a Scottish way, so don’t kick the seats, don’t yank on the back of my seats and keep the noise down and we will all make it to NZ”
They stared back and silently nodded. This was going to be an easy night.
I did manage to sleep most of the night and yes, my period did arrive, like a big fanfare of pain and blood. It was so bad I had to get up and wash my pyjamas in the toilet of the aeroplane. I was scrubbing at bloodstains in that tiny wee bowl, life is evil at times. Then I went back to sleep.
Anyway, I finally woke up at 90 minutes to landing. I noticed a long haired young man with smooth lovely skin sitting on the end aisle row across from me.
He chatted and asked me questions about where I was going and where I had come from, and then he told me he was from Mexico. On perfect timing the pilot came on the PA system and said “Ladies and gentlemen just to let you know on landing in NZ we will be boarded by health officials checking for swine flu”.
“Oh, well, you might get to see NZ at some point” I smiled and he made a weary face.
Finally the plane landed and I gathered up my stuff and started off towards immigration. There were people outside the plane who were passengers on our flight in paper masks and TV crews filming them. My body immediately heated up, remember I had a period, my temperature always soars at this time.
Sweat started dripping off my scalp and running down my face. Health officials were watching everyone coming off the plane. I saw the giant twisted snaking queue that was immigration and knew that if I stood there with my hot sweaty period flush I would faint and that would be swine flu hell.
I saw the empty booth ‘for invitation only’ and smartly headed right up that lane. People watched me, the immigration man in the booth watched me. My purposeful walk led me right up there. I gave him my boarding documents and my best smile.
“Do you have an invite to come to this booth?” he snarled. I sweated more.
“listen sir, I waited two hours at the NZ High Commission in London to get a work permit and I paid to come to your country, I have done waiting queues, so I just invited myself”
He stared and smiled slowly.
“What is it you do?” he then asked sharply as he flicked through my passport.
“I am a comedian at your NZ comedy festival” I answered.
“Make me laugh then” he challenged.
“I can’t, I have a big filthy sexual fetish about young men in official blue shirts with Kiwi accents, they make me think dirty thoughts and disable me from being funny” I said.
He stopped staring at my passport, looked at me- and let me through.
Life is good. So it is day Two and I am up out of bed and it is now 5am. I have a TV interview at 6am, with me is a funky spa being grilled about comedy...just hope I stay awake.